Wednesday, 18 April 2012

My own words

What the hell is Gardens of Time?
Will People on Facebook stop sending me stuff! I am busy!
 Gardens of time? Farmville? Fuck-off-ville! I dont want them.
I have a life thanks! I think. Well come to think of it, maybe I don’t?
Spend all my day on the PC writing words? Words I hope someone might enjoy. Words I hope someone might read. Critical words.
Well, not critical as in ‘critical’.
Not like ‘CRITICALL ILLNESS!’ or ‘CAR-CRASH, CALL AN AMBULNACE.’
Do you ever notice that Word doesn’t spell-check if you write in caps. That’s quite critical, really.
Writing in caps is like shouting loudly. Which I do quite a lot.
FOCK IF!
It wouldn’t make sense, would it?
We writers don’t proof-read, we’re not smart enough. Well, we might think we’re smart enough to re-read what we write, but we never see the bits in the corners, do we?
Word does that. At least, we hope it does. We don’t have time – too busy, being creative. Like rembrant – I wrote that in lower case, so Word could help me with the spelling. But it couldn’t.
I had to Google it.
Rembrandt! Apparently.
And Word had heard of it. It just wasn’t going to hint.
It does that – Word.
I know the answer,’ it says, ‘but you have to make your question a bit more exact. More literal - I looked that word up – shift F7 – ‘if you want me to help you. Don’t ask me to spell or suggest things that aren’t almost right. It would make me look foolish. And I am world number 1. You’re not.’
I don’t like Word. I’m not sure it deserves its capital letter.
So I am king. I know what you want to say. I just pretend I don’t. Like when your Mum raises an eyebrow when you try and lie to her.’
Smug. That’s what Word is.
You can’t lie to me. A pan-face won’t work. I am a computer..
 But I can turn you off…?
Yes you can…but you wont.
I might!
NO - You NEED me.
I am off to buy some stuff from Adobe.
No. All you need is Microsoft! We are the ONE!’
Goodbye Word – you are a phoney and a cheat – what we need is the real word. My word. My WORD! The one without your confrontation.
Before I go, I have one more word to say to you, Word – NOTEPAD!
Arrgghhh!
Notepad, notepad, notepad!
And…HTML tags.
From now on, I will write the words and I will format them.
Me. Me and Notepad. For those who have never heard of Notepad - think notepad. Like paper. Without lines. Then, when you have finished, think crayons. Then highlight pens.
Then hope to hell that, after you have written all this shit, that you wake up tomorrow and learn a new language that can transform these scribbles into something that someone – anyone – can read! Together we will create the eBook!
A new dawn arrives.
Bloody hell, is it daylight already?!

1 comment:

  1. Damn, that was funny. Thanks for a morning laugh.

    ReplyDelete