Friday, 28 December 2012

Driving with your brakes on

I used to be under the impression that when 90% of British people got in their cars they switched off their brains as soon as they attached their seatbelts. However, now my opinions have shifted to a conclusion that they don’t have any fucking brains at all!
For six hours yesterday I had to endure the madness that is holiday season on the M6 for imbeciles whose only other driving experience is sitting in an urban traffic queue on their way into their sad little daily office lives. At 3 miles per hour it is acceptable to drive along and put your foot on the brake every 2 seconds – but not at 60!
If you are that person who stabs the break pedal every time you want to slow down from 60 to 59 mph, I hate you! 
If you are the twat who sees an overhead sign whilst near junction 12 at Stafford that states that there might be congestion at junction 15 in Cheshire and you stand on the breaks just in case, I hate you!
No, hang on, hate is a strong word.
I really really really absolutely HATE you!
It is because of idiots like you that the British motorway system doesn’t work. Because while you are panicking in Stafford by flashing your eye-level brake lights at 70 mph, the guy behind you just shat himself and stood on his middle pedal. Behind him – or her – ten thousand cars did the same until one distracted Mummy in Gloucester didn’t react fast enough and ploughed her Clio into the back of a Range-rover and wiped out her whole family. And it’s all your fault.
Strangely, through Birmingham, statistically the busiest stretch of motorway in Europe, they have overhead signs telling you to drive at 60. And you do. You have to, otherwise, if you slow down, the car behind blows it’s horn and if you speed up, David Cameron’s people will take your licence from you and charge you lots of money to get it back. You see the sign and obey it, because that is what you do in your everyday life. Someone gives you an order and you do it, without having to engage that miniscule organ that masquerades for intelligence. But take the instruction away and you panic like a chicken in a coop full of foxes. See a gap of 200 metres in front of you, put your foot down to fill it. Then, when you are 2 centimetres from the car bumper in front, put you foot on the brakes and create yet another backlash tailback as far as London.
Question. If you follow a lorry at 60 mph in the slow lane, how many times do you see its brake lights come on?
Answer. Well there are two answers here. The correct one is very rarely, because he drives at a constant speed and uses his engine to slow down. The other answer is that you have probably never followed a lorry because, in your BMW you are far too big-headed and clever to be held up by such a pleb?
Today I am writing to the government,
In my letter I will request that every car driver should have to take an annual motorway test – in a simulator, not actually on the slab where they are a danger to every one within a fifty mile radius – where they will be driving on a bank holiday.
In this scenario, if you get within a hundred yards of the car in front of you, you will FAIL. If during this test you brake unnecessarily you will FAIL.  When you fail, you will then be instructed on how to drive properly, possibly by a lorry driver. If you fail again, your driving licence will be put in the glove-box of your car which will be driven down to the nearest refuse dump and set on fire. Then, for the remainder of your sad life you will be demoted to being a passenger or to use public transport. Or maybe you could emigrate – to Greenland!
I will then write another letter to Jeremy Clarkson, the current Minister for car manufacturing, and suggest a few modifications to all new vehicles. These will include a sensor near the brake pedal that, when your foot goes near it, will flash a signal on your dashboard saying ‘ARE YOU REALLY SURE YOU NEED TO BRAKE RIGHT NOW AND KILL MRS DAVIES AND HER ENTIRE FAMILY?’ This will hopefully make you wake up from your slumber.
Then, if you do brake, a red halogen light with the power of a supernova will flash up on your dashboard, so that you have an idea of how this looks to the car behind you.
Finally, an electrode will be fitted to your seat which will induce a few thousand volts through you every 2 minutes, to ensure you are awake at all times.
The voltage will be trebled on Bank Holidays!
Then, after these improvements have been implemented, I will ban eye-level brake lights which are the invention of the God of Health and Safety, otherwise known as the Devil himself!


  1. Toothache making one cranky is it? x

  2. "If you are that person who stabs the break pedal every time you want to slow down from 60 to 59 mph, I hate you!"

    I agree Andy. I overtake them at the first opportunity & blast my horn. Trouble is, they are too thick to understand why I should have a problem with them.