Anyone want to buy a swimming pool? OK, possibly not, now the British
summer has come crashing to a halt, although it is still blazing away here in France . With a
house full of guests, including some close family, the old piscine is a major
necessity this time of year – when it works. But, sadly, ours doesn’t. Well, I
suppose that depends on the job description, as technically it is still a hole
in the ground full of water which you can swim in, but unfortunately, in my
hour of need, the water bluntly refuses to stay in it. What started out as a
pin-hole in the plastic liner has now developed into a massive rip that can no
longer be patched up with my bicycle repair kit and thus is leaking faster than
a cardboard boat during the sinking season! Aha, says wily old Andy, what if we
attempt to pump the water back out from behind the liner. After some clever
installation of a recycling pump, this did have a small effect on maintaining the
status-quo for a week or two. But now the whole liner has collapsed inwards and
is only a fraction away from total disintegration – and an ensuing five figure
bill to replace it. Well, not on my wages it won’t be. Methinks I will fill it
full of fish instead, so that the guests can catch their own dinner! If they
really want a swim, there is always the lake, as one of them accidentally found
out late one evening last week.
On the subject of lakes, Wendy and I had a great trip around Ireland last
month. Stunned by its beauty, especially in the west, we were stunned further
by the weather which topped 30 degrees as we swum in the Atlantic
off the Connermara coast. However, once we reached Killarney and the Ring of
Kerry, it was more of a stun-gun that was required, as the hotel – and indeed whole
town - was packed full of rather large and very loud Americans. Whilst wedging
ourselves in a lift – or elevator, as they insist on calling it – full of them,
one pointed to Pooper, our scruffy mongrel, and asked in a deafening Texan
accent, ‘Is that a Border collie?’ When I admitted that there was a touch of
sheepdog in her chequered pedigree, as one, the whole ensemble started
chattering away as excitedly as a classroom full of toddlers. It seems that one
of the excursions that were lined up for these gross tourists was to a working
sheep farm. For ‘working sheep farm’, read, one enterprising farmer with a few
dozen old toothless ewes on a couple of acres, who owns a pair of collies.
Twice per day an over laden busload of gullible yanks turn up at his gate to
listen to his blarney about lambing in mid winter, and rescuing baby lambs from
impossible ledges in the snowy distant hills, even though they are only worth
tuppence each. Then, as his piece de resistance, with a loud whistle he
commands his dogs to round the up the flock, and gather them into the shed, to
rapturous applause. The fact that the sheep are as conditioned to this ritual as
the tourists are to be robbed in broad daylight completely eludes their collective
trans-atlantic brain cell as the whole party swoons with delight. All this
entertainment for a meagre tenner per head, - eg a grand a day in Pat
O’Malley’s arse pocket, probably in cash – bargain.
Forget fake tan, fake handbags or even fake orgasms, here comes the
next pseudo-product to arrive in our shops - fake meat. Yes, the world’s first
test-tube burger hit our streets a few weeks ago to much fanfare from the vegan
fraternity, claiming that this ‘humanely’ produced mincemeat will save society
from itself. Pioneered by Professor Post, an overzealous Dutch scientist, there
are claims that genetically engineered fillet steaks could be grown in large
buildings on banks of scaffolding, to feed the starving masses. Hoorah? Hmmm?
Well, firstly, one has to question the necessity for such production?
It is here where his theory is as thin as a holstein cow. Apparently in a few
years time we will be unable to feed ourselves with meat, because the cost of
beef production will become too expensive. I have to say that from my
standpoint in the agricultural corner this simply means that supply and demand should
just push up the retail price. Eg, beef would become more expensive, so that
the poor farmer can make some profit for once. If obese Americans are hell-bent
on furring up their arteries with hourly quarter-pounders, then perhaps charging
them more money for them may be the solution to a massive social problem. Let’s
face it, if society didn’t demand the right to eat cheaply so that they can
fritter away their earnings on caravan holidays in the Dordogne ,
le cheval would never have found its way into Tesco’s lasagne.
Secondly, in the same newspaper that Mr Veggie Reporter wrote this one
sided argument, which includes such nonsense as – and I quote: ‘rearing animals
for slaughter is a cruel practice’, there is another article on a different
page condemning the use of genetically modified crops. Has anyone else woken up
to the conflicting dispute here?
We are not allowed to improve our cropping system by use of modern
science because that would mean fatcat farmers might make some cash, so let’s
all take the moral high ground. But we could genetically manufacture fake
meat which would inevitably put farmers out of business. Sounds to me like a
win-win for the anti agricultural lobby. Come on farmers everywhere, stand up
for yourselves and stamp this out before Frankenstein breaks out the ketchup!
