So, at last
has something to shout about. After 150 years of trying to nick our Falkland Islands and nearly as many unsuccessfully
attempting to beat us at rugby - although I admit, they have won the odd game
of footie - they have now secured a Pope.
Yes, when the white smoke finally arrived through the
roof yesterday, the secret Cardinals had all agreed on the world’s first non
All hail Pope Francis.
Francis!? What sort of a name is that for a Pope?
The one thing I enjoy about the papal election is the self-appointed names that the head of the Catholic world appoints themselves with. We have recently had Benedict, which sounds like a mouth-wash, and before him we had Beatle-loving Pope Jean-Paul – who was only lacking George and Ringo to make up a full set.
Over history we have had a dozen Gregorys, Augustines and Alexanders - mainly Italians, all from
Europe. And now we
eventually get a South American and he calls himself Francis!
Come on man, where’s you imagination? You might have well called yourself Barry? Or Dave?
This got me round to thinking that, were I elected as Pope, what would I call myself? Not just me in fact, but all of us.
Let’s play a game where we get elected to one day of religious fame – and have to come up with a name?
Well, I would dump Andrew for starters. For all its regal connotations, it makes me sound like a right dull bastard. My middle name – James – that would be out too. James the millionth? No ta.
How about Archibald? Nah, too old fashioned – I want to be a modern Pope.
It needs to sound upbeat as well, but not too chavvy. Kevin, Robbie, Darren, they’re not quite right for all that splendour are they – in fact Daz would have probably had it away with that gold tea-service by lunchtime and fenced it for 40 Marlboro and a zippo lighter!
Needs to be original, too – don’t want any numbers after my name. Gerald? Has there been a Pope Gerald? No? I can see why – the boring git!
Here we go – Silicontine. What do you think of that? Has a nice sort of cyber tone to it? No? Pope Packard? Maybe Pope Google? Then they could sponsor me – although you wouldn’t really need much sponsorship in the
it’s kinda cash-rich.
Pope Elevate? I quite like that. Stands on high ground, doesn’t it? A bit too pompous perhaps?
Christopher, Lawrence, Benjamin, Nathaniel – all a bit run-of-the-mill, really.
You know, actually, this game isn’t as easy as I thought. Maybe he should have just gone the obvious route and pre-empted what everyone will call him from now until his death.
Arise – Pope Argie!