Monday 11 February 2013

Dead men’s pews

Once again white smoke will shortly billow from the Vatican, but this time with a little controversy.
Because, for once, the Pope is not dead.
Long live the Pope.
Well, not that long obviously, because he’s not very well - but at least he gets a retirement. And so he should.
Imagine a job where the only way out was in a wooden box? Not a very good interview to sit through really. One minute, you are a Cardinal with a garden of roses to look forward to – the next, a job for life, sorting out laws on homosexuals, sticking up for child molesters, and living in the middle of a manic Italian city with only a pope-mobile to get you through the rush hour. Not your dream job, really?
Ashamedly, not being one with total clarity on the whole Jesus and Mary thing, I always thought that the head of the catholic church was appointed by the bloke upstairs himself. Perhaps I’m wrong, but doesn’t God sit in on the committee that decides who gets the job to look after HIS bullions on Earth while HE sits up there directing proceedings and ‘going without’? Lets face it, a few lumps of gold wouldn’t be much use sat on a cloud, would it? Instead his menial bigoted crucifix-managers can have all that cash, just in case they go short of fine wine, ornate velvet robes and choirboys to amuse their otherwise dreary existence.
So surely HE must be quite pissed off today that the one who was chosen to die in his own office has decided to resign from his post and claim a meagre weekly pension and a council house instead – and that is quite worrying?
Will HE now vent his anger on us mere mortals and send us plagues of, er, rain and bad weather?
Maybe HE will decide not to bankroll the upkeep of our local churches?
Perhaps HE will order that catholic services go on even longer, to bore even more of his congregation to death?
Well, as usual, I have a theory on all of this stuff and that is as follows.
‘Not much happening in the church these days? Need a few headlines to get bums back on the pews? Let's break a few rules and cause mass hysteria amongst the sheep classes? Years ago they would have just killed a few Anglicans with the old red-hot-poker-up-the-south-entrance thing and grabbed a few CNN top stories that way. But since killing innocents in the name of His-Almighty has become almost taboo – well, better try another tack. So now it has come to this…this….outrageous controversy.
Oh my god, the pope has retired, whatever next?!
Here is my answer: Who gives a shit?
Break up the palace and give some of that loot back to those who you stole it from in the name of God.  Then you might be seen to do good with the world.
Hypocrites, all.

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