Tuesday 9 November 2021

Machine fun

 Nobody here is increased in a free-kick.

I beg your pardon! I have absolutely no idea what the above sentence is about, my speech recognition software just made it up.  Yes, we’re back here again, exactly 13 weeks since I broke my left shoulder, I have now broken my right one.  No I wasn’t drinking, yes I’ll take more water with it, yes I will give up the pole dancing and all the other hilarious messages that I have had from friends on social media.  Unlike the left shoulder however, the right one really does pose some serious problems along with the pain.  I am physically unable to write, physically unable to shave, shower, drive, in fact most things that you take for granted, I am unable to do.  After spending four hours in casualty the doctor tells me that I will be in this state for at least four weeks.  The only good news is that I get a supply of morphine and various other drugs which may or may not keep me happy during that period.  It will be at time of frustration particularly because of this software, which writes more lies than the Daily Mail. 

Considering that I run a weekly podcast listened to by thousands, I would like to think my diction is quite clear, but I might as well be dictating this in Russian for all the good that this Microsoft rubbish product can understand.  Only now it is getting upset because I’ve told it that it is rubbish and Microsoft do not like being told how crap they are!  Many times people have warned us to be careful what we say in our own homes when Alexa is listening, and she is listening because she has just asked me if I would like a cup of tea!  Apparently, if you say the word bomb in your own home the FBI will come knocking at your door.  However if you say ‘machine gun’ to this stupid speech software it interprets this as ‘marine fun’ and organises a boat party! 

We are having some lovely weather here at Chauffour, the sun shining most days, maybe to make up for that miserable spring that we had, or possibly just to p*ss me off because I can’t out into the garden to do any work!  This year we kept one of our ram lambs back to use on the flock and, as I speak, he is in the field with some of his aunties.  We have called him Unity.  We are still hoping to get to Scotland for the winter but that may depend somewhat on my health and whether I have at least one good arm to drive with.  I only hope we can make it to Twickenham in time to see England playing Australia in middle November, otherwise my sons will be getting an early Christmas present of two rather expensive tickets.

On the subject of my offspring, it looks like I have not one but two weddings in the family next year, both of which I am to provide wine for.  This may be a rather monumental task and I am considering buying a tanker to tow behind our camper, if only to save on recycling!  Couple these events with two trips to the USA, a stag do in Italy, another commentating job in Edinburgh, and The Golf Open in St Andrews, next year may be another busy one. Let’s hope we have put this dreadful Covid thing behind us by then as I couldn’t bear the thought, let alone that cost, of another hundred damn tests.

Meanwhile I have managed to shoehorn yet another new found profession into my life, this time narrating audio books.  This, I suppose, is quite timely considering the fact that I am completely unable to write at present.  I have started with a couple of my own novels but now have moved on to some professional stuff, reciting old books from the early 20th century which are no longer in print.  Most of these will go out onto the Internet through a third-party company and be available free for everybody to enjoy.  Combine this with a very busy time with my podcast where we are looking at the history of many cattle breeds, and a couple of commissions for magazines and the short days seemed to be getting shorter.  I have to say it is a lot easier than trying to dictate through this godawful cloth-eared software! 

Anyway, at the marathon the bracket worst is good company for the Harrisons!  Ulrich one..

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