Nobody here is increased in a free-kick.
I beg your pardon! I have absolutely no idea what the above
sentence is about, my speech recognition software just made it up. Yes, we’re back here again, exactly 13 weeks
since I broke my left shoulder, I have now broken my right one. No I wasn’t drinking, yes I’ll take more
water with it, yes I will give up the pole dancing and all the other hilarious
messages that I have had from friends on social media. Unlike the left shoulder however, the right
one really does pose some serious problems along with the pain. I am physically unable to write, physically
unable to shave, shower, drive, in fact most things that you take for granted, I
am unable to do. After spending four
hours in casualty the doctor tells me that I will be in this state for at least
four weeks. The only good news is that I
get a supply of morphine and various other drugs which may or may not keep me
happy during that period. It will be at
time of frustration particularly because of this software, which writes more
lies than the Daily Mail.
Considering that I run a weekly podcast listened to by
thousands, I would like to think my diction is quite clear, but I might as well
be dictating this in Russian for all the good that this Microsoft rubbish
product can understand. Only now it is
getting upset because I’ve told it that it is rubbish and Microsoft do not like
being told how crap they are! Many times
people have warned us to be careful what we say in our own homes when Alexa is
listening, and she is listening
because she has just asked me if I would like a cup of tea! Apparently, if you say the word bomb in your
own home the FBI will come knocking at your door. However if you say ‘machine gun’ to this
stupid speech software it interprets this as ‘marine fun’ and organises a boat
We are having some lovely weather here at Chauffour, the sun
shining most days, maybe to make up for that miserable spring that we had, or
possibly just to p*ss me off because I can’t out into the garden to do any
work! This year we kept one of our ram
lambs back to use on the flock and, as I speak, he is in the field with some of
his aunties. We have called him Unity. We are still hoping to get to Scotland for
the winter but that may depend somewhat on my health and whether I have at
least one good arm to drive with. I only
hope we can make it to Twickenham in time to see England playing Australia in
middle November, otherwise my sons will be getting an early Christmas present
of two rather expensive tickets.
On the subject of my offspring, it looks like I have not one
but two weddings in the family next year, both of which I am to provide wine
for. This may be a rather monumental
task and I am considering buying a tanker to tow behind our camper, if only to
save on recycling! Couple these events
with two trips to the USA, a stag do in Italy, another commentating job in
Edinburgh, and The Golf Open in St Andrews, next year may be another busy one.
Let’s hope we have put this dreadful Covid thing behind us by then as I
couldn’t bear the thought, let alone that cost, of another hundred damn tests.
Meanwhile I have managed to shoehorn yet another new found
profession into my life, this time narrating audio books. This, I suppose, is quite timely considering
the fact that I am completely unable to write at present. I have started with a couple of my own novels
but now have moved on to some professional stuff, reciting old books from the
early 20th century which are no longer in print. Most of these will go out onto the Internet through
a third-party company and be available free for everybody to enjoy. Combine this with a very busy time with my
podcast where we are looking at the history of many cattle breeds, and a couple
of commissions for magazines and the short days seemed to be getting shorter. I have to say it is a lot easier than trying
to dictate through this godawful cloth-eared software!
Anyway, at the marathon the bracket worst is good company
for the Harrisons! Ulrich one..