Sunday 19 August 2012

The naming of the Free

What is with Americans? And why do they rule the world. Or at least think they do?
They certainly rule the internet, to the point where whenever I Google anything it always brings me a hundred useless American sites before I can get anything worthwhile. In the old days, Google would allow you to select UK entries ‘only’ but that has now been removed, possibly by Americans. It’s so irritating it makes me want to scream and write the word BOMB ten thousand times. If I could use another search engine I would, but Google has bought them all. I refuse to use BING, because it’s such a stupid name, as well as the fact that it’s as useless as a one-legged cockroach.
Here is a minor example, demonstrating my frustration..
This week, while finishing off a book, I am looking for a character name – that is unisex. You know, both for male and female. If you have read In Bed With Cows, you will know that eventually I settled on Charlie.
But when I Googled this I got an American site and then was so astonished at the preposterous handles the yanks saddle their kids with that I completely lost track of what I was writing.
Try some of these, and then imagine being a small child on your first day kindergarten with it written on your name tag.
Firstly we get Dakota, River and Phoenix – obviously from people who watch too many Hollywood movies.
Then we have London, Jordan, Keagan and Bentley – for imaginative parents who think England is cool.
Seemingly over 5000 American kids got called Bentley last year alone. What the hell for? Why not add, Royce, Aston, Jaguar as middle names while you’re at it.
It doesn’t stop there – Sawyer, Lyric, Zion, Ariel – and these are just the unisex names. What must go through the poor Sawyer’s mind when at 3 years old he discovers he has a willy and his friend Sawyer doesn’t.
There should be laws.
When it comes down to single sex names the rulebook really does get thrown out with the bath-water.
One website, started by an entrepreneurial genius, randomly generates them, I swear. It’s like an online version of Countdown!
Give me a vowel, please Zodiac, and another, and another, and a consonant.
Perfect! Little AUEGL will have great fun spelling his name out over the phone for the next seventy years.
When did reality vanish form the US?
The Land of the Free? Well, they certainly seem free from any intellect when it comes to this subject.

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