Thursday 24 January 2013

The Department of Stupidity

Far be it from me to point the ridicule stick at the British government again, but when you reach a certain age, you just start thinking you have heard it all when…ahem.
Build a snowman to stop the flooding!
Now that sounds like a headline even the Daily Star couldn’t concoct. But low and behold, this was a true statement made in a government directive today. And it came from the BBC so it has to be right.
An Environment Agency spokesman said, apparently, that if we roll all the snow up into tight balls we can push them into the river and they will float out to sea. He also said that if we all drunk more water, that would help use it up as well. Then he went upstairs to be wearing a snorkel and flippers making penguin noises and the nice nurse gave him his tablets and put on his straight-jacket.
This got me round to wondering, what the hell is the Environment Agency anyway? Well, years ago, it was called MAFF but they changed that because it rhymed with NAFF. Instead we got DEFRA, a new office full of acronyms and shiny wellies who were in charge of all things agricultural. And, over a period of 20 years they managed to fuck up farming to such a degree that the word Agriculture was dropped from the syllabus altogether until we just get the ‘Agency’ - which seemingly is now run by barking mad penguins who sit around all day in a home somewhere, dreaming up directives to justify their existence. Here’s another piece of advice they have given this morning – and I quote from Dr Kevin Cock, Professor of Hydrology: “The most important thing anyone can do to protect themselves from flooding is to check out if they are in a flood risk area…”
Oh, thank you so much for that, I wondered why there was 6 feet of water in the kitchen and my dog just floated past the window!
Have you ever looked at their document entitled ‘A Framework for Bio-diversive Pro-Environmental Behaviours’? I have. Its 110 pages long and I have never seen such a load of piffle in my life. In it, pretty pictures pigeon-hole all of us into those who ‘believe’ in making things better and those who are a threat to the universe. On scale of 1-7, we are tagged as ‘Positive Greens’ down to ‘Honestly disengaged’, the latter of which translates into ‘who gives a shit’.
You see, in their little bubble of importance, you and me are beyond taking advice of any sort anymore but, in the interest of protecting the stupid from themselves, some people still need to be told the bleeding obvious, and that is what the ‘Agency’ is there for. For want of another word, call these people the ‘special needs’ sector.
But who funds all this bullshit? Let me think, oh, yes, the tax payer. And, let’s face it, it is highly unlikely that the simpletons will be paying tax. Basically what we have here we have is a major economic problem, with the clever ones funding the thickos? And that way lies revolution. Let them down, I say!
Realistically what MAFF has actually evolved into is the Department of Stupidity. What an apt name that would be?

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